Mr. Phil Goes National

Poor Phil Robertson – how dare that guy from the fancy New York magazine sneak up on him! 'Course, the immediate and obvious question on everyone's mind was "what the hell was a profile on this stooge doing in GQ in the first place?" (Other than to sneak up on him for the purpose of giving further credence to the idea that nice, good 'ole folks like the Duck Dynasty bunch strewn throughout this big country of ours aren't really that nice or that good.)

That said, rarely have I been more at a loss for words on something I thought I had a pretty decent grip on than the Duck Dynasty phenomenon. Hell, everyone knows we're a nation of morons. (When Phil says he didn't think that this country had a history of mistreating blacks, I believe him.) So when close to 10 million hicks tune in every week to watch a TV show about a family of hicks, I understand. (Even if it's all fake. What was that 'ole Phil said about the "skits that we come up with?" So much for "reality.") Anyhow, what I DON'T understand is the repeat viewer. Nothing – I mean NOTHING – happens on this fucking show. Even for the mindless market Duck Dynasty caters to, it's got to be boring as hell.

Maybe it's the idea of the success story that has the populace coming back for more. This show is proof that everyone knows at least a little about something and that anyone can have an idea – in this case, it's the humble duck call.

Another school of thought has folks watching because of the Christian leanings of the show. And that makes sense, given that the Robertson bunch is comprised of your typical hypocrites who like to force-feed non-believers their very specific brand of Christianity. Leaning on the bible as an everlasting crutch may work with the religious folks … Hey, it's okay to beat the shit out of a guy and his wife, as long as you declare yourself born again – and are able to pay the guy off. However, in the real world – in our nation of laws – conversion is not an excuse.

That said, they're not BAD people – just your typical hypocritical, far-right, gun-worshiping, gay-bashing, black-hating, women-abusing tea-baggin' birther nutballs.

Florida's Folly

The sad tale of George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin has come to what most likely will amount to only a temporary conclusion. Blacks and most white liberals are pissed off – and why shouldn't they be? An unarmed 17-year-old black kid was shot dead. Murdered? That depends on how one defines "murder." If murder constitutes the extermination of one human with a gun by another human without one, the circumstances be damned, then, yes – this is murder. However, if murder is defined as a "crime of unlawfully killing a person especially with malice aforethought," (Webster), then we may have an issue.

Did Zimmerman set out to kill as he stepped out of a vehicle in which the police instructed him to remain? That's a stretch, even given that community's recent history of being haunted by trouble-making black male teenagers. Did Zimmerman go looking for trouble? Maybe. Probably. At the very least, Zimmerman is guilty of disobeying the law. But the fact is that, the local law enforcement's protestations notwithstanding, George Zimmerman was simply performing a duty he'd been empowered to perform by the state of Florida.

What can you expect in a state with both a Stand Your Ground law and Conceal and Carry law solidly in place? What can you expect in a country in which 49 of 50 states boast of a Conceal and Carry law? (With Illinois right around the bend.) What can you expect in a nation that empowers its citizens to play cop, judge and jury by putting a gun in their hands?

And let's be clear about this: These accusations that George Zimmerman took the law into his own hands is bullshit. It's the country – the U.S. Congress, our state congresses, our laws, our people, you and me – who put the law into George Zimmerman's hands, and puts the law into EVERYONE'S hands every day by creating and permitting this vigilante state we find ourselves in.

There are thousands of "neighborhood watch leaders" like George Zimmerman roaming the gated communities of these United States, and many of them are probably more ready and more willing to fire away than was Zimmerman. But neighborhood watch leaders are the least of it. Somewhere around 10 million U.S. citizens hold a Conceal and Carry license, which absolutely empowers them to take the law into their own hands, with far less training, but much more lethal weaponry than actual officers of the law. Which, as always, begs the question: Why are we wasting money on the real police?

The bottom line is that George Zimmerman got the jury he needed to escape – this time. Was the verdict right by Trayvon Martin? Probably not. But we'll never really know for sure, legally speaking. Because only two people know – or knew – what happened that night and one of them is dead. Which lends doubt. And in a land of laws, where there's doubt, there's innocence.

Legally speaking.

FEMA, Welcome to Edna

When I first saw the news, I didn’t know whether to laugh or scream. The Federal Government – who it seems everyone hates to some degree or another and should have a limited role, if any, in people’s daily lives and should be put out of its misery – had, once again, been asked to bail out Joe America. Only this time, the request was before rather than after the goddam fact.

This happened in Edna, Texas, where a new 2.5 million high school gym will double as a fallout shelter, of sorts, protecting the sick, elderly, special needs folks, first responders and local leaders, and all other government-hating Americans who feel compelled to wallow in the secure environs created by a government handout they so often rail against in the event of a Hurricane Sandy-like attack by mother nature. This being Texas, there's probably a whole lot more irony than would be in most states, given that most of these citizens probably voted for Mitt Romney – the guy who wanted to abolish FEMA amid cries that the government is basically good for nothing.

And it's not new gyms that are being built by the Feds, but community centers, wellness centers and physical rehab facilities – all to the tune of $34.5 million in Texas and $683 million nationwide.

That's FEMA at its finest, folks, which is all good and fine, and proof that there is a role for government in people's lives. Except that this goes beyond irony into the realm of hypocrisy – a place well-known to the typical tea-party-loving, government-hating majority on the right. And by the way, FEMA is paying for only 75% of the dome structures, which begs the question: Where does a town of 5,500 (Edna) come up with $625,000 on its own?

Truth be told, it probably doesn't, but instead relies on state money to cover the balance. Obviously, it seems that when it comes down to it, there's probably no government assistance that anyone in need – on the left OR the right – will turn down.

But fear not – these hypocritical assholes aren't just found in Texas – they abound from sea to sea, forgetting that the government instituted, created and have managed the transcontinental railroad system, the interstate highway system, our military, the VA, Congress' health care system, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, the postal service, the library system, the EPA, the Department of Education, the parks department and more. And for all the ills of any or all of these services, they have, for the most part, served the citizenry pretty well. It doesn't take your classic bleeding heart liberal to agree that giving women and minorities the simple right to vote – to be counted – was the right thing to do.

Of course, when it comes to services, they have been, throughout the years, cries of privatization for Social Security and other such services. "Hell, let an American company run things – then they'll be done right!"

Yeah … an American company … like fucking Lehman Brothers.

So much for the big, bad government.

John McCain: Palinized!

Within minutes of the Palin announcement, my cell phone rang. When the ID came up as Chicago, I knew exactly who was on the line.

“Who the fuck is this broad?!?!”

“Don’t blame me,” I answered. “It’s your party. Obviously, just another far right nut to placate the masses. Your masses.”

“Hell, I’ve never heard of her in my life. And they’re not my masses! Do you know her?”

“I do now. Rumor has it she came out of the womb with an NRA sticker on her forehead.”

“Fuck you! I’m getting to the bottom of this. Don’t think you won’t hear back from me – you WILL! And SOON!”

This kind of reaction was not uncommon in the hours and days after John McCain proudly announced Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate on the 2008 Republican Presidential ticket. Obviously, McCain didn’t get the guy he’d wanted, instead following the party’s dictum on this one. My people tell me that McCain was literally on the phone with Joe Lieberman, about to pop the question to his old buddy, when the Party cut in and told him it was Palin Time. McCain’s caving in hardly spoke to his alleged “maverick” credentials. Worse though, the decision to bring Palin aboard absolutely spoke to the party’s incredibly ancient attitude toward woman. They really think they can attract Hillary’s girls with gender alone. It took me back 20 years to the time when George H. W. Bush fully admitted that he’d brought Dan Qualye aboard because he saw him as a handsome young buck who would attract the female vote. How insulting.

So who is this Sarah Palin? Seemingly smart, strong and fearless, and on the side of extreme issues like guns and abortion that will endear her to the right, though she’s already got problems with the kind of irresponsible spending that McCain likes to rail against. But that said, she’s the “new face of the party.” Ha! Maybe in the sense that Susan Molinari, the goddam dimwit from New York who gave the keynote speech at the 1996 Republican National Convention was going to be the new face of the party. The media even dragged Molinari out after the Palin announcement for some perspective that only she could deliver. What she failed to mention is the grave possibility that the party will drop Palin like a bad habit after a McCain defeat, much as it did to Molinari after Bob Dole’s loss.

But for the time being, Palin has been enlisted to help McCain “change Washington.” The question is, change from what? Republicans are the idiots who have essentially called the shots over the past eight years. Has anyone been paying attention?!?! And now they – the party and even John McCain (clenched teeth and all) – are going to tell us that Sarah Palin is the second most qualified Republican in the land to be the President of the United States; more so than the 49 Republican Senators and 202 Representatives in the House.

I’d like for one Republican – just one! – to look me in the goddam eye and say this is the best they got.

Palin has jumped in with both feet, joining McCain in calling for a fresh start in Washington if, for no other purpose, than to disassociate the Senator from Bush. The reality, however, is that McCain is just like Bush. In fact, it seemed that nobody could be more like Bush than McCain – until Sarah Palin came along. Like Bush, Palin is all for the Alaskan pipeline, is a gun lover and thinks it’s a good idea to continue sending $10B a month to Iran. Like Bush, she believes in denying women the right to choose and opposes stem cell research. Like Bush, she confusing the constitution with the bible. And like Bush, she has a history of denying women equal pay for equal work, while favoring huge tax cuts for the wealthiest 2% of Americans.

Now … for those who discount the role of the Vice President, I can only suggest looking back at the past eight years. In fact, my initial impression of Palin was that she was, indeed, another Cheney – smart and evil. Christ, was I wrong. As it turns out, she’s more like Bush – and after eight years of dumbass, we don’t need any more dumbass in the White House.

With the conclusion of the debates, during which “maverick” John McCain lied repeatedly to his opponent, the moderator and the American people, we find ourselves only two weeks away from the most historic presidential election in almost 60 years, no matter what the outcome. After the past two elections, I hope that this time we get the goddam thing right.